In the mail today

Dear Dr. Pilgrim/Heretic,

I am delighted to inform you that the Board of Trustees has acted favorably on the recommendation from faculty peers and administrative colleagues that you be promoted to the rank of Associate Professor and that you be awarded tenure. This action recognizes your accomplishments in teaching, scholarship, and service to [this university] and the academy.

Congratulations on attaining these important benchmarks in your academic career, and thank you for your contributions to [this university].

Sincerely yours,
[Chancellor who bears an unsettling resemblance to John Malkovich]